Whoa, I suck. Bad.

This photo above, is what is going to change me. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

I hate the way I look. I see a fat face, fat arms, fat body.

I see a woman who is not happy with herself.

Well, let me begin with, I have failed. I am a failure. I cannot stick to a program. I have put on LOTS of weight. I have made many mistakes and I actually do not like how I look or feel. I have gone from a size 5/6 to a size 12/14. Yes. I have gone from 150 pounds to over 180 pounds. Since my last long training run back on April 4th, 2009.

I ALMOST ran a marathon. I ran 32 kms, and finished hill training. I was at my peak! I was so close...and still an important goal has not been completed. I was under 1 month away from my goal.

This year has been so good, and so bad. That is how I sum up my year. Professionally all is going wonderful, personally. Not so much. Something had to give and that was me. I dropped my healthy eating habits. And brought back the old ones. Very easily in fact. This post is hard to write, but it is necessary in order for me to move ahead.

I will keep this post short. I am still not eating right, I am not exercising...but I am going to try to run again.

I still have hip pain, but now I am not sure if it is 'getting older' pain or 'out of shape' pain. All I know is that I cannot keep on this path. I don't like myself very much right now.

I am going to join the "Learn to Run" clinic and start from the bottom. And with hopes of getting back to the top again.

I will be blogging my way through the mess I have got myself into. I will also get myself out of this mess, I call my body. My mind.

This October on the Thanksgiving weekend, I WAS SUPPOSED to be running a second marathon. I just stuffed my face with goodies and felt sorry for myself. Wishing I could be there. Well, next year...I will be there. Maybe not the marathon but hopefully a half marathon! I am going to work this body like I never have before. I am angry with my self. I have let myself down. Yuck.

Not so pretty. I feel fat and ugly. That is the tape that has been playing through my head very often. So, I have to make changes. Time to stop this self hatred. And start loving myself again. Practice what I preach. What I encourage other women to do.

There is no quick fix, there is no magic pill. I just know it takes hard work and dedication. I need to start, before I end up where I was last time. I have to stop myself. I need to get my control back over my body! I am the one stuffing myself, stuffing emotions. Not sleeping right. Sleeping on the couch most nights. This too will change!

So, there you go. There I go. I will check back soon.

The running clinic starts November 13th. A Friday even! Perfect.

Back on track Tuesday

I tried my best to be on track. Of course with Playland, a birthday etc. Life gets in the way. So, I indulged, but not over the top indulged. I also got my period almost one week early. And no warning. Of course it decided to show up while on our way to Vancouver. So, around we went. I HAD to go home. I hate having my period. Anyways. So, my cycle was at 27/28 days instead of the 'usual' 32 days like has been since January. Who knows why. I hate feeling all bloated.

Well so I am back. Tonight no exercise. Just counting my calories. I am heading out to an exciting meeting tonight. 

Tomorrow! I am running and walking. Same with the following days. I will almost count on no weightloss and even a gain with my cycle etc. So, I am not going to dwell on that. Just move forward and keep working towards my reunion date!

Saturday - Weigh In Day - Week 1

I stepped on the scale, and I weighed in at 168.6!

Starting weight: 174.6

Current weight: 168.6

Goal weight: 139.0

Pounds lost this week: 6

Next weigh in: Saturday, August 8th

Woo!

Day 5 - July 31th

Well, another good day. Another good run 2/walk 1 and brisk walk. 10 girlie push ups. Exercises. All my water. 

Tomorrow is my first weigh in (early to make weigh ins on Saturdays) so yay!

WORKOUT

46:22

Best Pace: 5:13

Average Pace: 7:55

Distance 5.86 km

Calories burned: 416

Still have a wee bit of cought, and stuffed up on one side only. Ears are feeling a bit better.

The weekend will be of course more challenging with friends coming for dinner, wine. Dessert etc. Birthday party/Playland treats. That kind of thing. I know I can do it. Is is do I want to? Or, will I revert back to bad old habits? I am thinking of my reunion and walking through that door and seeing old friends from 20 years ago. How do I want to appear? I know  I do not want to look like this! 

A new bar

I was walking through the isles and found a bar that I wanted to try out. I always like to try new bars out. It is the Goji Moji bar by Dr. Andrew Weil. (Natures Path) a goji is actually a berry! Who knew!  I actually really like it! It kind of reminds me of Christmas fruitcake or something. It is organic, vegan. Nothing artificial and really tasty! 

I am going to try another flavour tomorrow. These will be on my  'to buy' list this week for sure!

Thumbs up! 

I will be back later after to talk more about my day!

Day 4 - July 30th

Well, day 4 is here. And I am really not having any trouble with sticking to my plan. I have so many great options to choose from. All this summer fruit etc. And I am feeling so much more energetic. Maybe it is all the water, maybe it is the healthy eating? Maybe just a better frame of mind? Whatever it is? I will enjoy this ride. I am trying to remember what if feels like to run effortlessly. And smoothly. I don't look like that anymore running. I think also this heatwave has a lot to do with it. I think it was over 4o degrees today. I waited until almost sun down to go out for my run.

I drank many, many ounces of water today. Lots of fruit. I even had a bowl of salad greens with a whole tomato and low fat italian dressing for an afternoon snack. I had that with a hard boiled egg. I actually LOVED it! Weird for me to love a salad like that. I tasted awesome in this heat. 

Anyways. It is Thursday night. Weigh ins will now be on Saturday morning. (This week I weigh in a few early)  That is to keep my weekend in check. And, one of my final-ish weigh ins will be week of my reunion which also falls on a Saturday. How convenient for me :D

WORKOUT

5.99 km

50:36 minutes

Best pace: 4:54 km

Average with walking: 8:26 km

414 calories burned.

Did my stretches, bridging stuff from physio. Also, I did about 100 crunches, and about 10 girlie push ups. Still sore from the other days. I will get back up there. I know I am not able to make a come back over night. But I am taking all of the right steps to get back there. Sooner, rather than later. My goal is to get back to 5/1's hopefully all next week. Then go for the 10/1's again. Then hopefully back to the RR to run with my running family again. I have missed them so very much.

I am really enjoying keeping my eating/fitness on livestrong.com this time around. So easy, and quick. Just what I need to stay in line. And I get a good idea of where I am at. I learned from the first go around, to keep it simple. Eat similar things for breakfast and lunch. That way portion and calories are no brainers. For dinner keep it light. And have a couple of healthy snacks. That is exactly what I have been doing. So far I am loving this change of pace from all the crap I was taking in. Food was filling a void. Too bad it took me this many pounds to get out of it. Always learning.

Day 3 - July 29

Well, after such a good physio appointment, I had to celebrate and go for another walk run. Cliff joined me tonight. It was so hot, but it felt so GOOD! We did 30 mins of 1 min walk/1 min run and then walked and talked. I would have liked to have walked more briskly, but that is OK. We got out there, and we were able to chat a bit. Thanks MIL for coming over tonight. xo

I have been eating well. My energy level (even with a cold) has been way higher when eating well. And eating the right things. I find I am not having that afternoon slump anymore. And I have increased my water back to where I used to love! So, I am going pee a whole lot more, but today it was not as bad as the first day. 

WORKOUT 

1:06 

Best run pace 4:50 km

Average walk pace 9:20 km

Distance: 7:17 km 

Calories burned 464 +

I have decided to make my weigh ins on Saturday morning...that way I will stay on the 80/20 rule a little bit better over the weekend. Sunday night we will have our splurge night.  I have momentum going and I don't want to lose this feeling again! I forgot how good I feel. I remember this always...nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. I believe this to be true. I know I am not near down where I was when I was hardcore training, but I just feel less bloated. I am enjoying all of the WONDERFUL fruits of the season. Like plums, nectarines and blues. 

I did my stretches tonight, and my crunches and some push ups (arms are really sore!!) I will ease back up to 50! 

My first weigh in will be this Saturday, a couple of days early, but that is OK!