Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Whoa, I suck. Bad.

This photo above, is what is going to change me. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
I hate the way I look. I see a fat face, fat arms, fat body.
I see a woman who is not happy with herself.

Well, let me begin with, I have failed. I am a failure. I cannot stick to a program. I have put on LOTS of weight. I have made many mistakes and I actually do not like how I look or feel. I have gone from a size 5/6 to a size 12/14. Yes. I have gone from 150 pounds to over 180 pounds. Since my last long training run back on April 4th, 2009.

I ALMOST ran a marathon. I ran 32 kms, and finished hill training. I was at my peak! I was so close...and still an important goal has not been completed. I was under 1 month away from my goal.

This year has been so good, and so bad. That is how I sum up my year. Professionally all is going wonderful, personally. Not so much. Something had to give and that was me. I dropped my healthy eating habits. And brought back the old ones. Very easily in fact. This post is hard to write, but it is necessary in order for me to move ahead.

I will keep this post short. I am still not eating right, I am not exercising...but I am going to try to run again.

I still have hip pain, but now I am not sure if it is 'getting older' pain or 'out of shape' pain. All I know is that I cannot keep on this path. I don't like myself very much right now.

I am going to join the "Learn to Run" clinic and start from the bottom. And with hopes of getting back to the top again.

I will be blogging my way through the mess I have got myself into. I will also get myself out of this mess, I call my body. My mind.

This October on the Thanksgiving weekend, I WAS SUPPOSED to be running a second marathon. I just stuffed my face with goodies and felt sorry for myself. Wishing I could be there. Well, next year...I will be there. Maybe not the marathon but hopefully a half marathon! I am going to work this body like I never have before. I am angry with my self. I have let myself down. Yuck.

Not so pretty. I feel fat and ugly. That is the tape that has been playing through my head very often. So, I have to make changes. Time to stop this self hatred. And start loving myself again. Practice what I preach. What I encourage other women to do.

There is no quick fix, there is no magic pill. I just know it takes hard work and dedication. I need to start, before I end up where I was last time. I have to stop myself. I need to get my control back over my body! I am the one stuffing myself, stuffing emotions. Not sleeping right. Sleeping on the couch most nights. This too will change!

So, there you go. There I go. I will check back soon.

The running clinic starts November 13th. A Friday even! Perfect.


  1. Just a thought, about motivation, that popped into my mind as i read your post. why don't you tape the picture to your bathroom mirror. I wonder if it would be motivating. I think I'm going to try that for myself :) I have a few extra pounds (understatement) that i want to change. Good luck on your journey

  2. Cathy, SOO glad you're back! I'm sad that you're feeling so frustrated with yourself! But I am glad you know that your mental tape needs to change - you are Beautiful! You are a loving Mom and wife and a successful business woman! Embrace the'll be surprised! Getting down on failures just makes it hard to see beyond. Give yourself credit, and only commit to doing what is best suited for your role in the family! That's my 2 cents:) Again, glad you're back!

  3. okay, my idea about posting a picture of myself on the mirror didn't work..yep tried my own advice. So now I am going to tape a picture on my big downfall chocolate chips. I figure if i tape my picture on the cupboard i'll see it every time i'm tempted to eat something bad! I sure hope it works!!!